Safe Sex Tips

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life or death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

• Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly
• Think about your parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex
• Wash hands thoroughly before fisting goat
• Under no circumstance should you give CPR to a stranger
• Avoid dipping penis in buckets of AIDS-infected blood
• Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm"
• Pull out cat's teeth before pouring gravy over vagina
• Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you
• Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use
• When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of chi imbalance
• Stock up on free safe-sex pamphlets at local health clinic; use them to make papiér-maché genital wrap
• Before fellating anonymous man in back room of gay bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"
• Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape
• You can get it from kissing—tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact
• To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms
• Avoid talking to homosexuals at all costs
• If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best